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Monday, 27 November 2006

Currently Listening
Rent (2005 Movie Soundtrack)
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insanity

i am no perfect. i know, nobody is anyway. but you see, my imperfections are different from yours. different from other people. my weakness can be your strength yet my strength can be someone's achille's heel. they say i should honor my uniqueness. don't get me wrong, but i do value my individuality. yes, i do. but i don't want to lie either. because behind all these - my insecurity can be one of my flaws.

oh yes, i do lack self-confidence. sometimes, i just wish i was the lion in wizard of oz movie having the courage to overcome fear. fear of judgement. fear of vulnerability. fear of rejection. the lion did overcame. but i am no lion but a scaredy cub. oh yeah, you may see me as someone who can face multitude with a straight face and can still smile but i guarantee you. you're being blind. but you see, i can't tell you what's within because even I can't illustrate its complicatedness.

don't get me wrong, in the midst of this insanity - i am just an ordinary person. simplicity is my favorite word. i am no hard to please. simple things, simple acts makes my heart skip a beat. i don't want recognition. i don't want your pity either.

i just want to feel i belong.

i am not jealous of you. i do not envy you either. i just dont have the confidence on myself. i feel that i'm no match compared to you. but i'm not comparing myself with you either. i just feel like a dwarf in the middle of a crowded giants when my insecurity gets the best of me. a possession that i'm willing to trade. not even. im willing to give away.

i don't blame you if you grow tired trying to unmask my complexity. i too get tired but i cannot give up on myself. it's just not right. it will be a thwarting defeat.

i just want to belong.

Friday, 24 November 2006

Currently Listening
Lifehouse
By Lifehouse
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happy turkey day everyone.

s-h-o-double p - ing

im so happy tomorrow's my day off. finally after 4 days straight at work, i'll be able to relax at home and actually do other things that have been unattended for a while aka studying. but i doubt it because tomorrow's going to be somewhat a special day aka shopping sale. since it's black friday and day after thanksgiving - the mall and the rest of the stores will be surely packed with people. oh my, i am crossing my fingers i won't be one of them. i am still debating whether i'll leave house tomorrow or just stay home and do something else. hmmm. if ever i made up my mind and explore the stores and come home empty-handed, for sure wallet's still intact. BUT if i come home with lotsa things, my oh my - bankrupt's going to be my last name.

work

work today was amazing. i was the only PCT in the floor with 19 patients, half of them are complete assists on everything. im amazed how God sustained my energy for the rest of the night - call bells aren't ringing that much and patients were really compliant. hay, what a day.

random

it's funny how simple little things can brighten your day and makes you realize that you're actually surrounded by people whom u deeply care for. tonight, i want to say thank you for all those who replied to my txt msge - i feel so loved. haha.

have you ever daydream of something where you wish it will happen to you. something that will just sweep you off your feet BUT actually shy about it and ending up not wanting it to happen because you're too shy to be the center of attention. something that you really think is really sweet yet when it's done to you - you get mad because the feeling's too much. simple little things but it's those things that you treasure the most. here i am again.

time flies so fast. christmas is just around the corner and before you know it, new year's here to be celebrated. how fast. another year older. i am not ready for the upcoming year yet. i hate to admit but i still need a lot of thinking to do and reevaluation to make. tsk.

turkeys are so proud of me tonight for i never ate one this thanksgiving. hah - "i love you too turkey!" good night everyone. keep smilin.

Thursday, 23 November 2006

Currently Listening
Bad Day
By Daniel Powter
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work

got home from work few minutes ago. tired but too tired to sleep. right now, i know my mom will be very upset if she''ll find out that i'm still awake at this time. i already heard the whole nine yards from her this afternoon before i went to work and how she's mad because i get home late from work and too tired to eat dinner and too tired to sleep yet wakes up late noon the next morning and skipping breakfast. eating some lunch, im up for work again and same routine all over again. i can't blame her for blaming me but things have been out of control lately. i've been working a lot and to be honest, i'm so tired. cross that out - tired is an understatement. exhausted is the word. but still, i'm working tomorrow, friday off and then back to work at weekends. what can i say, i guess just be grateful i have the ability to work.

RIP

i can't help but to tear at work again when the sweetest patient i've ever met since i started working @ my floor died on my shift. i told myself last time i'm going to try my best not to cry over a person who's not totally related to me but this proves how actually weak i am. you can't help but to ask why him. he was perfectly fine the whole time. although for the past 4 hours, he pushed the call button and asked for me 19 times- i will never complain even if i have to answer that button every 30 seconds IF ONLY he'll live. before i went on break, he pushed the call button and asked for a blanket. i went to give him 2 and before i left, he asked for my hand and asked me if he can give me a hug as a way of saying his thank you. who would've thought that's the last time i'll be able to talk with him? when i came back, he's gone. i feel so vulnerable. tonight, he taught me two things. first, you will never know if that will be the last time you'll talk and interact with a person, so grab that opportunity and show him/her how much you care. second, always show how much you care to all those people who are close to you or even every person you'll encounter because that simple expression will always remain in their thoughts. @ least for me, his sweet words, thoughtful acts and meaningful smile will always remain with me.

thanksgiving

so technically, it's already turkey day. happy thanksgiving everyone. i feel bad i have to work tomorrow and won't be able to spend thanksgiving dinner with my family but i made them promise to set aside some turkey for me or else - trouble. hahaha. well, ill be off friday so probably that's the time we'll go out. i feel bad for the turkeys. i bet thanksgiving is their all saint's day. for once, chickens will feel lucky they're smaller and not turkeys at all.

planetarium

last saturday, i brought my sister and dad with me at my school's planetarium to see a laser show. at first, we watched "fall night sky" featuring all the constellations for the autumn season. it was interesting but not as fun as i thought it would be. at least, he explained where the cassiopeia is and he said that it's one of the major constellations of fall season. * claps* later at the laser show entitled "led zeppelin" - that's when trouble kinda started. it turned out that the entire laser show is being played with all the hard rock music of led zeppelin. while the rest of the audience were enjoying and clapping and staring at the dome, the three of us are closing our ears and eyes at the same time and can't wait to leave the place. dad was mad at me. i guess that's not his type of music. neither am i. but in the end, i know how to melt his heart: pad thai @ thai kitchen for dinner. haha. what a night.

random

wouldn't it be nice if you can drive far far away from the city, away from the crowd. sit in a rooftop or lie down in an open field, stare at the sky and count as many shooting stars as you can. wouldnt it be nice if i can be the richest person in the world for just one day and be able to buy coloring books and crayons with a little toy and give it to all the orphans and poor people in my country and the other third world countries. wouldn't it be nice if i can always have the perfect advice and a perfect ear to listen everytime someone needs me. wouldn't it be nice if i can actually do all the favors asked and still have time for myself.

this has been a very long entry for me. what can i do, i've got no one to talk to over the phone. well, i guess it's all perfect timing - past one in the morning, exhaustion, pouring my thoughts over a single post, rain outside, lullaby songs, surrounded by pillows will surely lull me to sleep. i just wish i'll be able to wake up early tomorrow and eat breakfast - both to please my mom and my grouchy stomach who's been missing breakfast for the past month.

Dear God, thank you for giving me life i'm having right now. thank you for the breath everytime i wake up in the morning. thank you for all the blessings you’ve been showering. thank you for remembering all my loved ones and for keeping them safe and sound. thank you for all the trials and problems that makes me learn how to trust You more. may you continue to protect and guide my family, relatives and all of my friends wherever they may be. remember my 91 year old friend who just died 5 hours ago, may you give his family peace of mind and overcome this loss. thank you for loving me. i love you, in dear Jesus name, amen.

good night.

Monday, 16 October 2006

Currently Listening
Pachelbel's Greatest Hit: Canon in D
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work isn't just a place where you earn your own money. it's not just a place where you get to spend most of your time and work very hard and eventually get paid for it. it's not just a place where you can have your very own ID accompanied by your company's name. it's not just a place where you can socialize with your boss slash manager, colleagues and clients. it's not just where at one point, you can consider yourself "independent" for earning your own money.

i believe it's not just like that. at least for me.

before, i call my work a "dirty-job". being a patient care tech slash nurse assistant is very different from working in Mcdonalds or in Old Navy. before, i just see it as somebody who takes a patient's blood pressure, temperature, pulse and respirations. somebody who cleans up the patient's body and bed if they did number 1 and so with number 2. somebody who helps and assists them when eating and ambulating. somebody who will cleans up a patient's mess whether it's a vomit, sputum, poop - get the picture. somebody who will do the errands. basically, a nurse's assistant. but for the past few months, i was wrong.

and because of what happened in the morning of oct. 15th - i never see work as it was before anymore. never.

40 more minutes before i get to go home. it was a long, tiring night and im anxious to go home. working nights 8 hours straight without any prior sleep isn't healthy. loading yourself with big dose of caffeine will just give you palpitations and shortness of breath. but then i was happy because it's almost time to go home. then one patient on the other side of the floor started yelling and breathing hard at the same time. he was not my patient but he caught my attention so i went inside the room. he said he can't breathe. nurse called RRT (rapid response team) already because he doesn't look well.

doctors came and told him to slowly breathe instead of panicking so he could get more air and breathe better. they left him for a while and went to check his labs and records and i was there with him in the room trying to comfort him.  he started breathing harder with a moaning sound. he looked at me in the eye and told me "hurry up, hurry up".   right there and there, i knew i couldn't leave him alone. in a special way, he touched my heart and i just want to be there with him till things gets better. took his blood pressure @ 6:50 am, first was bad. second time @ 7:00, it's getting better but still not normal. then he started to remain calm and breathe better. i was happy because he finally looked peaceful. @ 7:15, his blood pressure looks normal. i left the room, gave the nurse his blood pressure, happy that before i leave - he's finally okay.

i was downstairs waiting for my mom when i heard a code blue(cardiac arrest) over the intercom. the room sounds familiar. it's him.  i ran as fast as i can to his room but this time, it's all different. doctors and nurses are everywhere. some are trying to revive him, others are watching. tears started to fall down my cheeks. he has to live. he was a total stranger to me but that morning - it seems to me i've known him for years. i can't forget the way he looked at me when we're alone in the room. i felt relieved when one nurse shouted that he finally has pulse. i ran downstairs, happy knowing that he will be alright. a prayer whispered, went home and went to sleep.

went back to work 3pm that day again and first thing i asked is "how was the patient?". the answer is too painful. he died that morning. i cried like a baby when i got home. i don't know why but he changed my life and the way i see my work now. work isn't just about my money, it's all about the patients i meet. not just how i can change their lives but how they can touch mine too.

"i may not be able to say goodbye to you but thank you for making me look at life differently. you were a tough man and i salute you for that. i saw your son cried that afternoon when he talked to your nurse about what happened. i feel his pain too. no matter what, Jesus loves you.  and you know what, i thank God for you. may you rest in peace. "

Friday, 13 October 2006

Currently Listening
Instinct
By Kavana
wait for the day
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gabi na naman.

malalim na naman ako mag-isip.   malalim pero walang kwenta. walang kwenta pero tuloy pa rin. sabi ng marami, mashado raw akong emo. abot hanggang buto ang kasentihan. abnormal kasi pabugso-bugso ang topak. mamaya-maya makulit pero mamaya e nakakatakot na mag-icip.

ndi naman ako ganito dati. simple lang ang tingin ko sa bawat sitwasyon. dati, pag sinabi mong puno, dahon at hangin - as is. pero ngyn, meron na akong nalalaman na keso kasalanan ba ng puno na pinakawalan nya ung dahon o nakawala ung dahon dahil sa pagsusumikap ng hangin. komplikado. minsan, gusto mo na sana parang damit na lng ung utak mong pedeng mong palitan pag ndi ka na komportable. pero madalas, wala kang magawa kasi parang sirang plaka ung utak mo na ndi na matapos tapos ang pinagiisip at parang spongebob na ung puso mong ndi na alam kung pano pa iaabsorb lahat.

magbago. kung pede lng magbago, matagal ko ng ginawa. kasi feeling ko, mashdo na akong weird. minsan, gusto mo na lng maging manhid o kaya insensitive para mas maging simple ang lahat. para pag sinabi mong gulong, iisipin ko lang e ung apat na bilog na umiikot sa isang sasakyan. ndi ko iisipin na ang buhay ay parang gulong na paikot-ikot, minsan asa taas pero minsan asa baba. minsan masaya, minsan malungkot. na keso sa buhay, ndi sa lahat ng oras e nasa taas ka palagi kasi kung ganon, ndi ka mkakarating sa paroroonan mo. parang gulong, paikot ikot pero sa kabila ng hirap, sa kabila ng lahat - makakarating ka naman sa destinasyon mo. blah blah blah. oo na, weird na naman ako.

pano pag merong nagpaalam sayo. umalis sa ndi maipaliwanag na rason. pag gagawing kong simple ang sitwasyon, iisipin kong karapatan nya un at dapat maging masaya ako sa desisyon nya.   kung alam kong may nagawa naman akong mali, magsosorry ako, ieexplain ko ung side ko at hopefully, magkakahiwalay kaming at peace. at kung walang problema o alitan - isang mahigpit na yakap, isang huling ngiti at pangakong anjan lang kau para sa isa't isa dahil kahit na anong mangyari - magkaibigan pa rin kau.

pero pano pag ginawa kong komplikado ung sitwasyon. pano pag sa likod ng isang munting pagpapaalam e isang malaking pagbabago. pano pag akala mo okay lng lahat pero simula na pala un ng pagbabagong ndi mo maipaliwanag. pano pag wala kang magawa kasi ndi mo alam kung pano sha nagsimula at kung pano sha magtatapos. pano pag sa bawat anggulo mo na tignan mo ung sitwasyon, kahit na alam mong wala kang ginawang masama intentionally - in the end eh sinisisi mo pa rin ung sarili mo sa lahat ng nangyari. pano pag sa kabila pala ng simpleng pagpapaalam e isang malaking tampo at hinanakit na di kinalaunan ay nabuong galit na ndi mo na maalis. pano pag narealize mong after ng pagpapaalam na un, things won't never be the same again.  pano pag pinagbgyan mo ung gusto nya pero iisipin nyang nitake for granted ko lng lahat ng pinagsamahan. pero pag ndi mo naman niacknowledge, pano pag iisipin nyang wala kang pakealam.

tama nga siguro ung nanay ko. isa akong gunggong dahil ganito ako magisip. pero ndi naman ako manhid. mapasimple man o komplikado ako magisip, ang pagpapaalam ay ndi ko kontrolado. sa kung ano mang rason, kelangan ko un akapin at tanggapin at maging masaya para sa kanya sabay bulong sa sarili, "may rason kung bakit ganito."

hay, mali. madaling araw na pala.